I watched a Swedish series tonight. It brought up feelings of longing as it showed views in the city, the quaint neighborhoods, country views. The smell of the air, the color of the sky that is not quite dark in summer. The longing for a Swedish summer for the brief time I am there.
Tired
People change. Life changes. Relationships change. Time and life experiences can change who we are and what we believe.
I know I’ve changed.
I am not, nor did I plan on being the wife that would sit by and do everything and have a spouse that did very little. I got tired of this many years ago. How did this happen? I get very little help or partnership. It seems one sided. If asks for help or to do something I get, “l am just a handyman with a paycheck!” My thoughts, “No,your a homeowner.” Act like it.
It’s maddening, frustrating and sad.
Time
How is that no matter what I do there seems to not be enough time. I wish for more minutes to watch a sunrise and sunset. More time to learn a language. More time to get outside as weather permits. We’ve had a snowy winter and when I could have gone out to ski or snowshoe I have had to spend shoveling snow so I could get out. Time to do nothing but read a book and enjoy a cup of tea or glass of wine.
Time is fleeting and I need to grasp at every second and enjoy it.
New Year’s 2022
The New Year arrived quietly. It slipped in as I heard the distant explosions of fireworks.
I had an early celebration with a 2.25 miles/3.6km walk around a lake with my friend, Katherine. It was a lovely trail around a lake in the middle of the city. Quiet enough to hear the crunch of the snow underfoot and a few winter birds in the trees.
Then we stopped for a small bite to eat and a glass of wine to celebrate the coming of the new year. Celebrate friendship, life, the past and the future. Those things in life we live with that we can not change, easily change.
We celebrated a dear and cherished friendship. A perfect way to end one year and look toward the beginning of the next.
Saying Goodbye
Yesterday started with the end of a nice weekend with my cousin’s and the 4 hour drive home.
I started the drive under sunny skies. My sister called and we talked about the weekend. She was home alone as her husband and son were deer hunting and daughter was visiting her boyfriend. She said she had given their dog Matilda a bath and was going to do things around the house.
More than halfway through the trip home, my sister called. She called saying she could not get Matilda to stand up. I said I would come right to her house and not go home.
I am about an hour away. She called saying she has an appointment at the vet at 2:30. Matilda’s gums were white and her nose was cold. This is not good.
My sister called saying her neighbor helped her get Matilda in the car and she was at the vet. “Where are you?” “I’m 10 minutes away from the vet.” The prognosis is not good. “The vet said she has a tumor that ruptured and she is bleeding internally. There is nothing they can do.” I told her I am five minutes away. “I asked can they wait?” She responded that the vet said she was critical.
Sadly, there was no time. I did not make it to be with my sister as she had to say good-bye to her family’s dog alone.
I comforted my sister. Said my good bye to a very good dog that was very intelligent. Now we have to tell our parent’s.
They loved her and Matilda loved them. She was especially fond of our dad. You could say, “Papa.” Matilda would get so excited. The kids called our dad Papa. This was hard. They were heart-broken.
What started out as a normal day, in a couple of hours, turned into one of the hardest days we face. The loss of a beloved pet.
Good byes are never easy. Sometimes it is worse than losing a family member as they give unconditionally their lives to us. Losing a pet leaves a huge hole in our lives as they are always present to entertain us and give us comfort. To be a silent companion that we share our lives with. Saying good bye to them sometimes comes suddenly and we are not prepared when that time comes. Their lives never last as long as we would like. With pets we question ourselves. Did I do something wrong? Could I have done something? The answer is usually no. We give them the best we can, but they give much more in return.
To all the pets and animals that have shared my life I am grateful you were here. To Matilda, you will be one that leaves a larger hole in the heart along with my pets that have passed on.
When You Must…
I got Covid 11 days ago. Yes, I am vaccinated. I was fortunately not very sick. I had a fever for 6-7 hours on Sunday. I knew it was influenza or Covid. Diagnosed Monday and luckily it felt like a cold.
Monday. Scrubbed the deck. Did house chores during the week. Took it a little easy and rested as recommended by friends.
On Friday I went for a walk in Frontenac State Park on Friday. Saturday a 3.75 mile trail ride. Sunday finished a walkway between the garage and the house. Get things done.
You think that when someone is stuck on quarantine too they would make good use of the time. Maybe help. Do some much needed work around the house. No. They watched you work. Did not offer to help. They had a nice vacation week.
You keep wondering if it will change, but it doesn’t.
Life moves on. Live my own life. Enjoy it with whom I can and when I can.
Memory of 9/11
It’s hard to believe that 20 years have passed. When our the world fell apart and changed in many ways life moved forward and we all eventually moved on with our lives and it became a memory.
Some things in my mind are as clear as if it happened yesterday. My daughter was just a year old and sitting in her high chair eating. I got a phone call to turn on the tv. A plane had just hit the World Trade Center and I’m seeing the aftermath and the panic. Not long after, on tv, I watched in horror as the second plane flew into the second tower. Disbelief and shock wash over me. Questions. How? Why?
Fear of more attacks. Rescuers trying in vain to find anyone that survived the fallen towers and the planes that crashed into the Pentagon and in a field. Fear. Disbelief, sadness. Anger?
In the days that followed the world in the US became quiet. All transportation was stopped. No planes flew, no busses, no trains, no semi traffic. People stayed home from work. Nothing moved. Our world stopped. It became so silent. It was September so there were no birds singing. Their voices silenced in preparation for winter ahead. All you heard were insects. Their voices filling the air. The leaves in the trees rustling. Nothing else, but amazing silence.
It was a sad reminder of what had happened. Why I heard nothing. The din of life that is normally is constantly in the background. Filling the air around us every day and it was gone. It is interesting what silence can do and make you think.
I’ll never forget the sadness and silence of those days and weeks that followed 11 September 2011. They will be forever with me.
For you
For you my long time friend. May our lives continue to intertwine and meet. To feelings we both have.
The years have gone by and time and life separated us. Ten years ago we came together again. It was as if we had seen each other yesterday. The short time was a wonderful gift. But our lives were in different places though the desire to be together was there. The years went on. We’ve texted, had coffee, movies, walks, wine, been close. Once again there are things in our lives that are in the way. There are strong feelings for each other after all these years and separations. You say how easy it is to have strong feelings that could easily grow beyond our friendship. Again, with joy and sadness I feel the same. We have some bond that brings us together. Seeing me raises those feelings and you say you need time to think. You say our paths are far from over. I hope they are not. If the timing were right, I would go.
Friheten
Till min vän.
Ingen ha har rätt till förstöra vad som helst något i vildmarken det de saker tillhöra till alla och måste inte vara rubba. Frihet få inte rätt till ger upphov att bryta mot en arv det tillhöra evigheten.
Sigurd F. Olson
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